PARENT, STOP! ARE YOU WATCHING YOUR CHILD — OR YOUR OWN FAILED DREAM?
I am seventeen and a half years old and I have been playing basketball since I was four and a half.
Thirteen years on the court. Hundreds of games. Dozens of training camps. I have played on polished hardwood floors that were slippery as ice, on cracked concrete, on asphalt at the seaside under the August sun, in loud arenas with packed stands and in gyms where you were afraid to fall. I have seen every kind of venue, every kind of coach, every kind of team.
And in all those years, one thing has remained constant — regardless of the gym, the city, the level of competition.
The stands.
I am not writing this about all parents. I am writing about the ones I have seen. The ones I will not forget. The ones whose shouting drowned out our coach while my teammates and I tried to hear his instructions. The ones who brought into sport exactly what sport is supposed to eliminate: hatred, pressure, shame, and their own unresolved ego.
I am writing this for every teammate who has cried in the locker room after a game.
Not because we lost. But because he knew what was waiting for him in the car on the way home.
The stands are no longer stands. They have become psychological battlegrounds.
I have stood in line waiting to enter the court and heard a parent shouting at his eleven-year-old son, from the stands, before the game had even started: " If you don't score ten points today, you lose your phone for a month." The boy walked onto the court with a white face. He didn't score a single point. Not because he couldn't.
Because he was too afraid to try.
That is not motivation. That is emotional abuse with a game ticket.
I have seen parents hurl insults at referees in front of their seven-year-old children. I have seen a father stand up in the stands and start screaming at a child from the opposing team — a nine-year-old — because that child was defending his son too closely. I have seen parents from two different sets of stands exchange insults with a violence you wouldn't want at any stadium, let alone in a gym where ten-year-olds are playing.
And perhaps most painfully, I have seen children who don't look at their coach during the game. They look at their parent. They wait for a signal. They wait for approval. Or worse — they try to avoid making eye contact altogether.
Research conducted by Harwood and Knight, published in Psychology of Sport and Exercise, is unambiguous: excessive parental pressure is not associated with better performance. It is associated with competitive anxiety, declining intrinsic motivation, and early dropout from sport.
This is not an opinion. It is a scientifically documented fact.
And yet in Romania, the behavior in the stands is tolerated. It is normalized. It is even tacitly encouraged by a system that regulates nothing and sanctions no one.
Your child is NOT living their dream. They are living your failed one.
I want to say this clearly, even if it hurts: in far too many cases, the child is not playing the sport they want to play. They are playing the sport their parent never managed to play.
The unfulfilled dreams of adults are transferred — forcibly — onto the shoulders of children who are six, eight, ten years old. And when the child does not perform according to expectations, they are not supported. They are criticized, compared, humiliated.
"Why didn't you pass?" "Why did you shoot from there?" "Why can't you be more like X?" "At your age I was much better than you."
Research by Jacobs and Eccles, published in the volume Intrinsic and Extrinsic Motivation, demonstrated that a young person's perception of their own abilities is directly linked to the messages they receive from their parent. When those messages are negative, comparative, and devastating — the child internalizes exactly that. Not as something to improve upon. As a truth about who they are.
And after five, six, seven years of "sport," we wonder why that child quits. Or worse, they stay — but they become an anxious, insecure adolescent, dependent on external validation, unable to make a decision on the court without first checking the stands.
Sport psychologist Predoiu, in his work "The Psychology of Sport — Maximizing Athletic Performance," emphasizes that the primary goal of an adolescent athlete is to reach their own personal objectives — not their parent's. Only then will they genuinely enjoy sport, feel successful, and aim higher. But this requires a parent who understands the difference between succeeding and winning. It requires a parent who listens instead of commanding.
Too few of the parents I have seen in the stands have ever understood that difference.
Less than 1% will reach elite performance. But that doesn't mean the rest have failed.
The international statistics in sport psychology are ruthless: fewer than 1% of children who begin a sport will reach genuine high-level performance.
That is not a discouraging figure. It is a reality that every parent must internalize before they open their mouth in the stands.
Sport is not only about champions. It is about discipline, health, friendship, character, and resilience. Research by Fraser-Thomas, Cote, and Deakin, published in Psychology of Sport and Exercise, demonstrates that those who remain in sport long-term are the ones who found joy and meaning in it — not those who survived their parents' pressure.
But in Romania, this truth is systematically ignored. Everything is reduced to the score, the trophy, the post on social media. The parent does not bring their child to sport because they want to raise a well-rounded human being. They bring them because they want something to brag about. Because they want social validation. Because it feeds their own self-esteem.
And the child becomes an instrument. Not an individual.
Bandura's Social Learning Theory is explicit: the family is a powerful behavioral model. If a parent communicates to their child that their worth as a person depends on the scoreboard after a game, that child will internalize exactly that. For years. Sometimes for life.
Coaches who stay silent are not neutral. They are complicit.
I cannot speak only about parents and leave the coach unaccountable. That would not be honest.
I have seen coaches who know exactly what is happening in the stands and choose to say nothing. Not out of powerlessness. Out of financial calculation. The parent pays the monthly club fee. The parent might sponsor equipment or a training camp. The parent "matters" in the informal power structure of the club.
I have seen players put in the starting lineup not because they are better, but because their father "supports" the club financially. I have seen talented, hardworking, dedicated children sitting on the bench week after week while others play because their family's budget covers certain needs of the organization.
That is not selection. That is corruption at the level of minors.
And every compromise of this kind sends a devastating message to the entire team: hard work doesn't matter. Merit is not the criterion. Connections and money are what count. And when children understand this — and they do understand it, because they see everything — something dies inside them. The motivation to train genuinely, to give everything, to believe that effort leads to results.
Jowett and Timson-Katchis demonstrated, in research published in The Sport Psychologist, that the social network surrounding an athlete — including parents and coaches — directly influences the quality of the coach-athlete relationship and, by extension, performance. When that network is dysfunctional, the entire system becomes contaminated.
A coach who does not protect their athletes from parental abuse is no longer a coach.
They are a monthly fee administrator.
What a toxic environment truly produces: not dropout, but wounds
There is a truth that the Romanian sports system does not want to hear.
A child does not quit sport because it is hard.
They quit because sport has become a source of fear, not of joy.
And in the vast majority of cases, that transformation does not come from the game itself. It comes from what happens in the stands, in the car on the way home, at the dinner table, in comparisons made with other children, in expectations imposed on a body and a soul that are not yet ready to carry them.
Researchers Darling and Steinberg, in a landmark study published in Psychological Bulletin, demonstrated that the authoritarian parenting style — characterized by excessive control, rigid expectations, and a lack of emotional support — is associated with heightened anxiety and declining intrinsic motivation in young athletes. The impact is most pronounced precisely during adolescence, when the child's natural need for autonomy comes into direct conflict with rigid parental control.
Holt, Tamminen, and collaborators, in their study published in Psychology of Sport and Exercise, documented that excessive and inappropriate parental involvement in sport generates elevated levels of stress and negatively affects the athlete's ability to develop healthy relationships with teammates and coaches. In other words, the toxic parent does not only destroy performance. They destroy the social fabric. They damage mental health.
From the extended training camps where I spent nights alongside my teammates, I have listened to stories that some of them would never tell at home. Pressure. Shame. Fear of disappointing. Tears held back until the lights go out. Children aged fourteen, fifteen, sixteen carrying on their shoulders not their own dream but someone else's.
There is no sport psychologist at any of the clubs I have played for. There is no emotional support program. There is no one whose job it is to listen.
Sports federations, the National Sports Agency, the Romanian Olympic Committee — total absence, full complicity.
Where are the institutional structures of Romanian sport in all of this?
Where is the Romanian Basketball Federation with a real code of conduct for parents?
Where are the sanctions for abusive behavior in the stands?
Where are the parental sports education programs?
Where is the sport psychologist as a basic structural requirement in any affiliated club?
Silence.
A phenomenon this widespread, this scientifically documented, this visible to anyone who has ever sat in a Romanian sports venue — is treated by the institutions of Romanian sport as if it does not exist. There are no national programs. There are no enforced regulations. There are no real sanctions.
And this absence is not neutral. It is institutional complicity. When you fail to regulate an abuse, you validate it.
Other national sports systems have understood this for a long time. In the Nordic countries, extensively documented in the specialist literature for their model of balanced parental involvement, parents are integrated into formal sports education programs before they are permitted to attend competitive events. Not as a restriction. As a standard of good practice.
In the United States, organizations such as the Positive Coaching Alliance have developed national programs dedicated to educating parents of young athletes, based on validated research by Smoll and Smith on youth sport psychology. These programs are not optional. They are part of the agreement a parent signs when they enroll their child in organized sport.
In Romania, the only thing a parent signs is a medical consent form.
What must change — and cannot wait any longer
I do not come only with accusations. I come with answers.
First: mandatory national programs for parental sports education must be introduced — not optional, not symbolic, but with verified participation and real consequences for non-compliance. Harwood and Knight, in their position paper published in Psychology of Sport and Exercise, are explicit: parenting expertise in sport is not innate. It is learned. And if it is not learned, the child pays the price.
Second: every sports club must adopt and enforce a parent code of conduct, with clear and escalating sanctions for abusive behavior in the stands — from formal warnings to access bans. Not principles printed nicely on a wall. Rules with teeth.
Third: coaches must be trained not only technically but also psychologically, to manage their relationship with parents and to protect athletes when no one else will. Research by O'Rourke and Smith, published in the Journal of Applied Sport Psychology, demonstrates that the parent-coach-athlete triangle is directly linked to young athletes' self-esteem, performance anxiety, and autonomous motivation. The coach is not only the person who builds tactics. They are the person who protects the environment.
Fourth: a sport psychologist must become a mandatory component of the structure of any club with junior sections — not a luxury for elite teams, but a basic requirement for anyone working with children. Deci and Ryan, through Self-Determination Theory, demonstrated that the fulfillment of fundamental psychological needs — autonomy, competence, and relatedness — is essential for intrinsic motivation and sustainable performance. Without professional psychological support, these needs are systematically left unmet.
And perhaps most importantly: parents must understand, once and for all, that their role is not to coach, referee, or provide running commentary. Their role is to be present, to love, and to support — regardless of the score. That is all. Nothing more. Fredricks and Eccles, in their research on socialization through sport, demonstrated that unconditional emotional support from a parent is the single strongest predictor of continuity and joy in sport. Not expectations. Not pressure.
Unconditional love.
I am Nicholas Carstoiu, competitive athlete, student at the Romanian-Finnish High School, youth activist involved in mental health and children's rights projects, and member of the Children's Board of Romania supported by UNICEF — and I grew up inside this system.
I have seen the joy of sport. I have also seen how it is destroyed. I am not writing from theory. I am writing from locker rooms, training camps, stands, and the eyes of my teammates.
Sport is supposed to build people. Not break them before they become.
Parent — the next time you open your mouth in the stands, ask yourself one single question: am I doing this for them, or for me?
An honest answer to that question is all you need to start changing something.
BIBLIOGRAPHY
Harwood, C. G., & Knight, C. J. (2015). Parenting in youth sport: A position paper on parenting expertise. Psychology of Sport and Exercise, 16, 24–35. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.psychsport.2014.03.001
Deci, E. L., & Ryan, R. M. (2000). The "what" and "why" of goal pursuits: Human needs and the self-determination of behavior. Psychological Inquiry, 11(4), 227–268.
Fraser-Thomas, J., Cote, J., & Deakin, J. (2008). Understanding dropout and prolonged engagement in adolescent competitive sport. Psychology of Sport and Exercise, 9(5), 645–662. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.psychsport.2007.08.003
Holt, N. L., Tamminen, K. A., Black, D. E., Sehn, Z. L., & Wall, M. P. (2008). Parental involvement in competitive youth sport settings. Psychology of Sport and Exercise, 9(5), 663–685. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.psychsport.2007.08.001
Jowett, S., & Timson-Katchis, M. (2005). Social networks in sport: The influence of parents on the coach–athlete relationship. The Sport Psychologist, 19(3), 267–287. https://doi.org/10.1123/tsp.19.3.267
Darling, N., & Steinberg, L. (2017). Parenting style as context: An integrative model. In Interpersonal Development (pp. 161–170). https://doi.org/10.4324/9781351153683-8
Jacobs, J. E., & Eccles, J. S. (2000). Parents, task values, and real-life achievement-related choices. In Intrinsic and extrinsic motivation: The search for optimal motivation and performance (pp. 405–439). Academic Press.
Fredricks, J. A., & Eccles, J. S. (2005). Family socialization, gender, and sport motivation and involvement. Journal of Sport and Exercise Psychology, 27(1), 3–31. https://doi.org/10.1123/jsep.27.1.3
O'Rourke, D., Smith, R. E., Smoll, F. L., & Cumming, S. (2014). Relations of parent- and coach-initiated motivational climates to young athletes' self-esteem, performance anxiety, and autonomous motivation. Journal of Applied Sport Psychology, 26(4), 395–408.
Predoiu, R. (2016). The Psychology of Sport — Maximizing Athletic Performance. Polirom, Bucharest.
Bandura, A. (1977). Social Learning Theory. Prentice-Hall.
Am 17 ani si jumatate si joc baschet de la 4 ani si jumatate.
Treisprezece ani pe teren. Sute de meciuri. Zeci de cantonamente. Am jucat pe parchet lucios ca oglinda, pe beton crapat, pe asfalt la malul marii sub soarele de iunie-iulie, in sali cu tribune zgomotoase si in locuri in care ti-era frica sa cazi. Am vazut tot felul de sali, tot felul de antrenori, tot felul de echipe.
Si in toti acesti ani, un singur lucru a ramas constant, indiferent de sala, de oras, de nivel de competitie.
Tribunele.
Nu scriu asta despre toti parintii. Scriu despre cei pe care i-am vazut. Cei pe care nu ii voi uita. Cei ale caror tipete le-am auzit in timp ce eu si colegii mei incercam sa ne auzim antrenorul. Cei care au adus in sport exact ce sportul ar trebui sa elimine: ura, presiunea, rusinea si ego-ul lor neterminat.
Scriu acest articol pentru fiecare coleg din vestiarul meu care a plans dupa un meci.
Nu pentru ca am pierdut. Ci pentru ca stia ce il asteapta in masina, pe drumul spre casa.
Tribunele nu mai sunt tribune. Au devenit campuri de lupta psihologica
Am stat la rand sa intre echipa pe teren si am auzit un parinte strigand la fiul sau de 11 ani, de la tribuna, inainte ca meciul sa inceapa: " daca nu dai zece puncte azi, nu mai ai telefon o luna." Copilul a intrat pe teren cu fata alba. N-a dat niciun punct. Nu pentru ca nu a putut.
Ci pentru ca i-a fost frica sa incerce.
Asta nu este motivatie. Este abuz emotional servit cu bilet de intrare la meci.
Am vazut parinti care au injurat arbitri de fata cu copiii lor de sapte ani. Am vazut un tata care s-a ridicat din tribuna si a inceput sa tipe la un copil din echipa adversa — un copil de noua ani — pentru ca acesta il marcheaza strans pe fiul sau. Am vazut parinti din doua galerii care s-au injurat intre ei cu o violenta pe care nu ai vrea-o in niciun stadion, daramite intr-o sala in care joaca copii de zece ani.
Si, poate cel mai dureros, am vazut copii care nu se uita la antrenor in timpul jocului. Se uitau la parinte. Asteapta semnal. Asteapta aprobare. Sau, mai rau, incearca sa evite privirea.
Cercetarea condusa de Harwood si Knight, publicata in Psychology of Sport and Exercise, este clara: presiunea parentala excesiva nu este asociata cu performanta mai buna. Este asociata cu anxietate competitionala, scaderea motivatiei intrinseci si abandon sportiv timpuriu.
Nu e o opinie. E un fapt documentat stiintific.
Si totusi, in Romania, comportamentul din tribune este tolerat. Este normalizat. Este chiar incurajat tacit de un sistem care nu reglementeaza nimic si nu sanctioneaza pe nimeni.
Copilul tau NU traieste visul lui. Traieste visul tau ratat
Vreau sa spun acest lucru clar, chiar daca doare: in foarte multe cazuri, copilul nu face sportul pe care si-l doreste. Face sportul pe care parintele nu a reusit sa il faca.
Visurile neimplinite ale adultilor sunt mutate, fortat, pe umerii unor copii de sase, opt, zece ani. Iar cand copilul nu performeaza conform asteptarilor, nu este sustinut. Este criticat, comparat, umilit.
"De ce nu ai dat pasa?" "De ce ai aruncat de acolo?" "De ce nu esti ca X?" "Eu la varsta ta eram mult mai bun."
Cercetarile lui Jacobs si Eccles, publicate in volumul Intrinsic and Extrinsic Motivation, au demonstrat ca percepția unui tanar asupra propriilor abilitati este direct legata de mesajele primite de la parinte. Cand acele mesaje sunt negative, comparatii, devastatoare — copilul internalizeaza exact asta. Nu ca pe o lectie de imbunatatit. Ca pe un adevar despre sine.
Si dupa cinci, sase, sapte ani de "sport", ne miram ca acel copil renunta. Sau, mai rau, ramane — dar devine un adolescent anxios, nesigur, dependent de validare externa, incapabil sa ia o decizie pe teren fara sa se uite in tribuna.
Psihologul sportiv Predoiu, in lucrarea "Psihologia sportului — Maximizarea performantei sportive", subliniaza ca obiectivul prioritar al unui sportiv adolescent este sa isi atinga scopurile personale — nu pe ale parintelui. Doar atunci se va bucura cu adevarat de sport, va simti ca are succes si va tinti mai sus. Dar asta presupune ca parintele sa inteleaga diferenta dintre a reuși si a invinge. Presupune sa existe un parinte care sa asculte, nu sa comande.
Prea putini dintre cei pe care i-am vazut in tribune au inteles aceasta diferenta.
Sub 1% ajung la performanta. Dar asta nu inseamna ca restul au pierdut
Statisticile internationale in domeniul psihologiei sportului sunt nemiloase: sub 1% dintre copiii care incep un sport ajung la performanta reala de nivel inalt.
Asta nu e o cifra descurajatoare. Este o realitate pe care fiecare parinte trebuie sa o internalizeze inainte sa deschida gura in tribuna.
Sportul nu este doar despre campioni. Este despre disciplina, sanatate, prietenie, caracter, rezilienta. Cercetarile lui Fraser-Thomas, Cote si Deakin, publicate in Psychology of Sport and Exercise, demonstreaza ca cei care raman in sport pe termen lung sunt cei care au gasit in el o sursa de bucurie si de sens — nu cei care au supravietuit presiunii parintilor.
Dar in Romania, acest adevar este ignorat sistematic. Totul este redus la scor, la trofee, la tinichele de gat, la poza de pe Facebook. Parintele nu isi duce copilul la sport pentru ca vrea sa creasca un om echilibrat. Il duce ca sa aiba cu ce sa se laude. Ca sa existe o validare sociala. Ca sa ii creasca lui stima de sine proprie.
Iar copilul devine instrument. Nu individ.
Teoria lui Bandura privind invatarea sociala este explicita: familia este un model puternic de comportament. Daca parintele ii transmite copilului ca valoarea lui ca om depinde de scorul de dupa meci, acel copil va internaliza exact asta. Ani de zile. Uneori, toata viata.
Antrenorii care tac nu sunt neutri. Sunt complici
Nu pot sa vorbesc numai despre parinti si sa il las pe antrenor nevinovat. Nu e cinstit.
Am vazut antrenori care stiu exact ce se intampla in tribune si aleg sa nu spuna nimic. Nu din neputinta. Din calcul financiar. Parintele plateste cotizatia lunara. Parintele poate sponsoriza un echipament sau un cantonament. Parintele "conteaza" in structura de putere informala a clubului.
Am vazut jucatori promovati in primul cinci nu pentru ca sunt mai buni, ci pentru ca tatal lor "ajuta" clubul. Am vazut copii talentati, muncitori, dedicati, care stau pe banca saptamana dupa saptamana, in timp ce altii joaca pentru ca bugetul familiei lor acopera anumite nevoi ale clubului.
Asta nu este selectie. Este coruptie la nivel de minori.
Si fiecare compromis de acest tip transmite un mesaj devastator echipei intregi: munca nu conteaza. Meritul nu este criteriul. Relatiile si banii conteaza. Iar cand copiii inteleg asta — si il inteleg, pentru ca ei vad tot — ceva moare in ei. Motivatia de a se antrena cu adevarat, de a da tot, de a crede ca efortul conduce la rezultat.
Jowett si Timson-Katchis au demonstrat, in cercetarile publicate in The Sport Psychologist, ca reteaua sociala din jurul sportivului — inclusiv parintii si antrenorii — influenteaza direct calitatea relatiei antrenor-sportiv si, prin extensie, performanta. Cand aceasta retea este disfunctionala, intregul sistem se contamineaza.
Un antrenor care nu isi protejeaza sportivii de abuzul parental nu mai este antrenor.
Este administrator de cotizatii lunare.
Ce produce cu adevarat un mediu toxic: nu abandon, ci rani
Trebuie sa spun un adevar pe care sistemul de sport din Romania nu vrea sa il auda.
Un copil nu abandoneaza sportul pentru ca este greu.
Abandoneaza pentru ca sportul a devenit o sursa de frica, nu de bucurie.
Iar in marea majoritate a cazurilor, aceasta transformare nu vine din jocul in sine. Vine din ceea ce se intampla in tribuna, in masina dupa meci, la masa de seara, in comparatiile facute cu alti copii, in asteptarile impuse unui trup si unui suflet care nu sunt inca pregatite sa le poarte.
Cercetatorii Darling si Steinberg, intr-un studiu landmark publicat in Psychological Bulletin si reeditat in 2017, au demonstrat ca stilul parental autoritar — caracterizat prin control excesiv, asteptari rigide si lipsa suportului emotional — este asociat cu nivele crescute de anxietate si scaderea motivatiei intrinseci la tinerii sportivi. Impactul este cel mai pronuntat exact in adolescenta, cand nevoia de autonomie a copilului intra in conflict direct cu controlul parental.
Holt, Tamminen si colaboratorii lor, in studiul publicat in Psychology of Sport and Exercise, au documentat ca implicarea parentala excesiva si inadecvata in sport genereaza niveluri crescute de stres si afecteaza negativ capacitatea sportivului de a dezvolta relatii sane cu colegii si antrenorii. Cu alte cuvinte, parintele toxic nu distruge doar performanta. Distruge si socialul. Distruge si sanatatea mentala.
Din cantonamentele prelungite in care am petrecut nopti dupa nopti alaturi de colegii mei, am ascultat povesti pe care unii dintre ei nu le-ar spune niciodata acasa. Presiune. Rusine. Frica de a dezamagi. Lacrimi retinute pana dupa ce luminile se sting. Copii de 14, 15, 16 ani purtand pe umeri nu visul lor, ci visul altcuiva.
Nu exista psiholog sportiv in niciun club dintre toate in care am jucat. Nu exista program de suport emotional. Nu exista nimeni care sa asculte.
Federatiile, Agentia Nationala pentru Sport, Comitetul Olimpic — absenta totala, complicitate deplina
Unde sunt structurile institutionale ale sportului romanesc in toata aceasta poveste?
Unde este Federatia Romana de Baschet cu un cod de conduita real pentru parinti?
Unde sunt sanctiunile pentru comportamentele abuzive in tribune?
Unde sunt programele de educatie parentala sportiva?
Unde este psihologul sportiv in structura de baza a oricarui club afiliat?
Tacere.
Un fenomen atat de raspandit, atat de documentat stiintific, atat de vizibil pentru oricine a stat vreodata intr-o sala de sport cu parinti romani — este tratat de institutiile sportului romanesc ca si cum nu ar exista. Nu exista programe nationale. Nu exista regulamente aplicate. Nu exista sanctiuni reale.
Iar aceasta absenta nu este neutra. Este complicitate institutionala. Cand nu reglementezi un abuz, il validezi.
Alte federatii si sisteme sportive nationale au inteles de mult acest lucru. In tarile nordice, documentate extensiv in literatura de specialitate prin modelul lor de implicare parentala echilibrata, parintii sunt integrati in programe formale de educatie sportiva inainte sa li se permita sa fie prezenti in tribune in contextul competitional. Nu ca restrictie. Ca norma de buna practica.
In Statele Unite, organizatii ca Positive Coaching Alliance au dezvoltat programe nationale dedicate educatiei parintilor sportivilor, bazate pe cercetari validate ale lui Smoll si Smith, publicate in lucrarile lor despre psihologia sportului pentru tineri. Aceste programe nu sunt optionale. Sunt parte din contractul pe care il semneaza un parinte atunci cand isi inscrie copilul intr-un program sportiv organizat.
In Romania, singurul lucru pe care il semneaza un parinte este un formular de acord medical.
Ce trebuie sa se schimbe — si nu poate mai astepta
Nu vin doar cu acuzatii. Vin cu raspunsuri.
In primul rand, trebuie introduse programe nationale obligatorii de educatie parentala in sport — nu optionale, nu simbolice, ci cu participare verificata si cu consecinte reale in cazul absentei. Harwood si Knight, in pozitia lor publicata in Psychology of Sport and Exercise, sunt expliciti: expertiza parentala in sport nu este innascuta. Se invata. Si daca nu se invata, copilul plateste pretul.
In al doilea rand, fiecare club sportiv trebuie sa adopte si sa aplice un cod de conduita pentru parinti, cu sanctiuni clare si progresive pentru comportamentele abuzive in tribune — de la avertisment pana la interzicerea accesului. Nu principii scrise frumos pe un panou. Reguli cu dinti.
In al treilea rand, antrenorii trebuie formati nu doar tehnic, ci si psihologic, pentru a gestiona relatia cu parintii si pentru a proteja sportivul atunci cand nimeni altcineva nu o face. Cercetarile lui O'Rourke si Smith, publicate in Journal of Applied Sport Psychology, demonstreaza ca relatia triunghi parinte-antrenor-sportiv este direct legata de stima de sine si de motivatia autonoma a tinerilor sportivi. Antrenorul nu este doar cel care construieste tactica. Este cel care protejeaza mediul.
In al patrulea rand, psihologul sportiv trebuie sa devina componenta obligatorie in structura oricarui club cu sectii pentru juniori — nu lux pentru echipele de performanta, ci necesitate de baza pentru oricine lucreaza cu copii. Deci si Ryan, prin teoria autodeterminarii, au demonstrat ca satisfacerea nevoilor psihologice fundamentale — autonomie, competenta, relationare — este esentiala pentru motivatia intrinseca si pentru performanta sustenabila. Fara suport psihologic profesionist, aceste nevoi raman nesatisfacute sistematic.
Si, poate cel mai important: parintele trebuie sa inteleaga odata pentru totdeauna ca rolul lui nu este sa antreneze, sa arbitreze sau sa comenteze. Rolul lui este sa fie prezent, sa iubeasca si sa sustina — indiferent de scor. Atat. Nu mai mult. Fredricks si Eccles, in cercetarile lor privind socializarea prin sport, au demonstrat ca suportul emotional neconditional al parintelui este cel mai puternic predictor al continuitatii si bucuriei in sport. Nu asteptarile. Nu presiunea.
Iubirea fara conditii.
Sunt Nicholas Carstoiu, sportiv de performanta, elev la Liceul Romano-Finlandez, activist pentru tineri implicat in proiecte de sanatate mentala si drepturi ale copilului, membru al Boardului Copiilor din Romania sustinut de UNICEF — si am crescut in acest sistem.
Am vazut bucuria sportului. Am vazut si cum este distrusa. Nu scriu din teorie. Scriu din vestiare, din cantonamente, din tribune, din privirile colegilor mei.
Sportul ar trebui sa construiasca oameni. Nu sa ii rupa inainte sa devina.
Parinte, data viitoare cand deschizi gura in tribuna, intreaba-te un singur lucru: fac asta pentru el sau pentru mine?
Raspunsul sincer la aceasta intrebare este tot ce ai nevoie ca sa schimbi ceva.
BIBLIOGRAFIE
Harwood, C. G., & Knight, C. J. (2015). Parenting in youth sport: A position paper on parenting expertise. Psychology of Sport and Exercise, 16, 24–35. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.psychsport.2014.03.001
Deci, E. L., & Ryan, R. M. (2000). The "what" and "why" of goal pursuits: Human needs and the self-determination of behavior. Psychological Inquiry, 11(4), 227–268.
Fraser-Thomas, J., Cote, J., & Deakin, J. (2008). Understanding dropout and prolonged engagement in adolescent competitive sport. Psychology of Sport and Exercise, 9(5), 645–662. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.psychsport.2007.08.003
Holt, N. L., Tamminen, K. A., Black, D. E., Sehn, Z. L., & Wall, M. P. (2008). Parental involvement in competitive youth sport settings. Psychology of Sport and Exercise, 9(5), 663–685. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.psychsport.2007.08.001
Jowett, S., & Timson-Katchis, M. (2005). Social networks in sport: The influence of parents on the coach–athlete relationship. The Sport Psychologist, 19(3), 267–287. https://doi.org/10.1123/tsp.19.3.267
Darling, N., & Steinberg, L. (2017). Parenting style as context: An integrative model. In Interpersonal Development (pp. 161–170). https://doi.org/10.4324/9781351153683-8
Jacobs, J. E., & Eccles, J. S. (2000). Parents, task values, and real-life achievement-related choices. In Intrinsic and extrinsic motivation: The search for optimal motivation and performance (pp. 405–439). Academic Press.
Fredricks, J. A., & Eccles, J. S. (2005). Family socialization, gender, and sport motivation and involvement. Journal of Sport and Exercise Psychology, 27(1), 3–31. https://doi.org/10.1123/jsep.27.1.3
O'Rourke, D., Smith, R. E., Smoll, F. L., & Cumming, S. (2014). Relations of parent- and coach-initiated motivational climates to young athletes' self-esteem, performance anxiety, and autonomous motivation. Journal of Applied Sport Psychology, 26(4), 395–408.
Predoiu, R. (2016). Psihologia sportului — Maximizarea performantei sportive. Polirom, Bucuresti.
Bandura, A. (1977). Social Learning Theory. Prentice-Hall.
Originally published on LinkedIn.Publicat inițial pe LinkedIn.
